Liquid's Punishment 4: Seperate Ways
by Liquid
Summary: Liquid thought that he had survived the horrors of Resident Evil 4, but he had forgotten about the unlockable mini game. MUST HAVE REVIEWS!
1. Prologue

The villagers went about their normal day, and Leon was watching them with his scope as they roasted marshmellos on the dead cop's burning body.

"Disgusting". Leon whispered to himself. "How can they eat marshmellos without chocolate...I mean, thoes bastards, I'll get them for this".

What they didn't see was the figure running across a rooftop on the other side of town.

As he ran, Liquid found himself wondering how he had gotten there. The last thing he remembered was that he had just survived Resident Evil Apocolypse, but now his newfound powers were gone, and he was once again wearing the Wesker outfit from RECVX. All of this thinking made him pay less attention to where he was going, and if he HAD been looking, he might not have slipped on the loose shingle.

The shingle flew out from under his foot, causing him to lose his balance, and do the splits right on the peak of the roof. His eyes widened, and his mouth hung open as he slid off slowly tettered forward, leaving the rooftop behind.

He collapsed to the ground, and held himself as he groaned in pain.

"I can't believe that just happened"! He groaned.

Soon the pain went away, and he got up just in time to see two villagers running at him with pitch forks. Lucky for him, he had a grapple gun in his holster. He fired it, and rolled to the side. As he squeezed the trigger he saw in his mind that the villagers would be knocked off their feet, and that he would emerge victorious.

If only it were that easy.

The reality was that during his excellent combat roll, the grapple wire had become wrapped around his ankle, and when he squeezed the trigger, the only one knocked off their feet was Liquid.

The villagers burst out laughing as Liquid was suspended like a pinyata. They then started hitting him with the handles of their pitch forks, but this was ended when Liquid grabbed it, and jammed it into the villager's head. And once the grapple was retracted, he not so gracefully fell on the other villager, snapping her neck.

Liquid struck a hero pose, and shot his finger into the air.

"ANOTHER DISICIVE VICTORY FOR LIQUID"! He screamed. "LET ALL WHO CHALLENGE ME KNOW MY WRATH"!

Suddenly the chainsaw guy came out and Liquid screamed like a girl as he ran into the nearest building. But as Liquid climbed the long ladder into the tower, he noticed that the chainsaw guy wasn't after him. He was after the guy on the other side of town.

Liquid squinted as he tried to identify the lone moron, and gasped as he recognised LEON S. KENNEDY!

"Oh my god". Liquid said as he sat down. "I'm in resident evil 4 again".

His radio beeped, and he opened the small transmitter to see...

"Ah". Wesker said. "I see you've managed to arrive at the...wait a second...what the fuck are YOU doing here"?

"Good question". Liquid replied.

"Where's Ada"?

"I don't know".

"Well great, that's just fucking great". "Did I mention how great this is"?

"What the hell do you want, Wesker"?

Wesker leaned back in his chair, and let out an evil laugh.

"You are going to get the sample of los plagos for me". He said with a grin.

It was now Liquid's turn to laugh.

"I don't think so". Liquid replied. "I'm just going to use my grapple gun on that broken bridge where the game started, and then I'm gonna get the hell out of here".

"You will do as I say, and complete your mission". Wesker said. "Or Xing will never let you go".

Liquid knew that he had no choice.

"Fine". He said. "What do you want"?

"I want the sample". Wesker replied. "And I want you to eliminate Leon".

"Ok, I'll kill his ass right now".

Liquid looked out, but Leon had already escaped into a house.

"Damn it". He said.

"Ring the church bell". Wesker said.

"What"?

"Ring the church bell". "That will quiet them down a bit".

Liquid sighed as the transmittion was terminated, and he climbed down the ladder to begin his latest punishment. 


	2. Ring The Church Bell

Liquid reached the bottom of the ladder, and raised his handgun as he kicked the door open.

He quickly killed the two closest villagers, and stopped when he realised that all of the other villagers were busy trying to kill Leon, giving him much needed time to escape.

He ran over to a door with a strange symbol on it, and kicked the door as hard as he could. But the door was metal, so his foot bounced off, and he was knocked on his ass.

"NO"! He screamed as he got up. "HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND THE KEY"?!

Something shiny was on top of a barn, so he shot it, and it fell to the ground.

"Alright". He said as he ran toward it. "Now we're getting somewhere".

Opon closer inspection of the shiny thing, he discovered that it was in fact the symbol that he needed to open the door and continue the quest. But when he bent over to pick it up, something struck him in the ass, making him get a mouthful of mud as he slid across the dirty ground.

He spit out the mud, and turned around to see a cow standing over the symbol. It grunted at him, picked up the symbol in it's mouth, and ran off.

"No"! Liquid yelled as he aimed his gun at would he hoped would become his next burger.

He pulled the trigger with intent to kill, but the barrel was filled with mud, making the gun explode, burning his hand, and making him once again fall into the mud.

Rage now filled his body as he got up, and ran to the house where Leon was hiding from the vilagers. After breaking a villager's neck, he climbed up the ladder. If he remembered correctly there was a shotgun on the second floor, but this plan was shattered when Leon pushed the ladder down.

"Damn villagers"! Leon yelled as he tossed a grenade.

Liquid screamed as he got out from under the ladder, and dove over a fence just before the grenade went off.

"Must...kill". He said. "Pretty...boy".

He wanted to go back in to kill Leon, but he had to get the symbol to open the door. So he decided to allow Leon to live as he ran toward the village farm.

Once at the farm, he saw the cow walking around inside the fenced in area. It was looking the other was, so Liquid's plan was to leap over the fence, do a cool roll back to his feet, grab the symbol, and emerge victorious.

Once again learning the difference between thought and reality, Liquid's awesome plan was shot down as his foot got caught on part of the fence, making him once again eat dirt.

The cow turned toward him, and started laughing.

"FUCKING COW"! Liquid screamed as he freed himself. "I'M GONNA EAT YOU AND EVERYTHING ELSE ON THIS FUCKING FARM"!

Liquid started toward the beast, but then it let out a MOOOOOOO, and Liquid's attitude changed as 35 chickens, and 10 horses surrounded him.

"Well". He said. "This isn't where I parked my car".

Liquid turned and ran, but the chickens were on him in seconds. He shrieked like a sissy woman as they pecked him, and his grapple gun accidently fired as he ran toward the village gates.

He kicked them open, and once thru, he slammed it shut, escaping from the evil chickens.

After taking a minute to get his strength back, he retracted the grapple gun cable, and to his shock, at the end of it was the symbol.

"How in the fuck"? He asked. "I mean, YES, ANOTHER PLAN PERFECTLY EXECUTED BY ME"!..."God, I hope no one saw that".

Somehow Leon was still alive, so Liquid used this to sneak up to the door, and put in the symbol.

It opened, and Liquid ran inside to see the merchant.

He just stood there as Liquid walked over to a chair and sat down.

Still the merchant just stood there, and Liquid watched him.

"What the fuck"? The merchant asked.

"Huh"? Liquid asked.

"What, do you think I'm standing in this fucking corner for my god damn health"? "How about buying something, numb nuts"?

"Do you have a shotgun"?

"Yes, right here".

He handed the riot gun to Liquid, who after inspecting the weapon, aimed it, and blew the merchant's head off.

"Turd". Liquid said as he began searching through the dead merchant's pockets.

Now fully armed and operational, Liquid quickly ran through the underground tunnel, emerging in the church yard.

The chirch was just over the hill, so he started toward it, but was stopped when a man jumped out in front of him. Thinking it was a villager, Liquid raised his riot gun.

"Wait"! He screamed.

"Who are you"? Liquid asked as he lowered the gun.

"I'm Jeff Goldblum".

"I almost shot your ass". "Wait, aren't you the guy from Jurasic Park"?

"Yeah".

"Ok, so what are you doing here, and why did you stop me"?

"I was on vacation, but that's not important right now". "The important thing is that there are 6 zombie dogs up there waiting for you".

"Well, that sucks".

Liquid thought for a second, and then it came to him.

"Ok, I got a plan". He said. "We have to run right at the dogs, but you need to trust me".

Liquid took out his newly aquired Broken Butterfly magnum.

"Ready"? He asked.

"I think so". Jeff replied.

They ran right toward where the dogs were waiting, and as expected, the dogs ran at them.

"So, what's your plan"? Jeff asked.

Liquid answered him by shooting him in the leg, and diving behind a large tree.

Jeff Goldblum screamed as the dogs started eating him, and Liquid casualy walked up to the church, and went inside.

The controls were on the second floor, so Liquid found the ladder, and went up. As he was passing a metal door, he heard someone bitching and complaining, and realised that it was Ashley.

He didn't want to deal with her, so he walked away, and activated the controls. This made bars come down around the room that Ashley was in, and it also made the church bell ring.

Back in the village, they had Leon bent over the fence.

"Gonna make you squeel like a pig, boy"! They said.

"NOOOOOOOOO"! Leon screamed.

Suddenly the church bell rang, and all the villagers went toward it.

"Oh, thank god". Leon said. 


	3. Liquid's Report 1

My name is Tony Slaughter, but most only know me as Liquid.

Once apon a time I was a member of the originals, a group of beings with incredible powers, allowing us to minipulate any and all aspects of anything we chose. Under our leader, Xing, we turned the universe upside down, and had a few laughs along the way. Yes, before this whole mess, Xing and I were friends.

We trained togather under his father, Master Tang, who was a crazy old asian dude. At 16 he through us out because we never helped with the cable bill, but the crazy thing was that he didn't even have a tv. Me and Xing worked togather for awhile, but the trouble between us started when I had a sex sandwich with his cousin and sister. He was so upset that he burnt down his own house, and tossed his pet hampster into the dryer, blaming me for the whole thing.

To make up for this, I sent him a stripper for his 21st birthday. This stripper happened to be a man, but I had good intentions. Xing didn't speak to me for awhile after that, but things went back to normal for the most part.

Then I guess I got carried away.

I watched the events of Resident Evil Code Veronica X, and it pissed me the hell off. Overall it was a good game. Wesker was harsh, and Chris got his ass kicked. I also whacked off thinking of Claire and Alexia getting into some girl and girl action. This never happened in the game, but nobody is perfect. The thing that really pissed me off was Steve Burnside.

He was worthless, and I intended to prove it.

Using my powers, I captured Steve, and put him on trial. Claire defended him (who else would?), and surprisingly put up a good arguement, as well as ordered several attempts on my life. All of these attempts failed, and as punishment I had a brainwashed Leon rape him up the ass in the holding cell during recess. I also screwed Alexia, and allowed my long time friend Solid Snake to have his way with Claire.

The trial resumed, and Steve was found guilty, not of being worthless (thanks to Claire), but guilty of an even worse crime. The fact that he looked like Leonardo Dicaprio. I believe that such an offence was punishable by death, but thanks to Claire's pleas for mercy, as well as her giving me a quick blow job under my desk, Steve was shown lieniency, and sentanced to 6 months of being locked in a cell with Leon.

That was almost 5 years ago, and...well...I forgot to let Steve out until a few months ago. Well...I didn't let him out...he escaped...so nevermind.

After Steve's trial, things went well for me. I was dating Alexia Ashford (in human form, you sicko), and I lived in a trialer park, where I was haunted by a vanishing penguin who kept stealing my remote contol, leaving the television stuck on animal planet. I also hung out with my closest friends from the originals: Deathman, Cypher, Wesker, Dark Knight, The System, and some other guy that none of us knew. He just kind of slept on my couch.

One day I was torturing Big Bird with the help of Dark Knight, when Xing had me arrested.

Dark Knight ran away, never to be seen again while Xing's guards beat me Rodney King style. They then brought me before Xing himself, who was very pissed off. He claimed that what I did to Steve was a horrible misuse of my powers, and told me that I was going to be punished.

Not wanting this, I killed the guards, and challenged Xing head on. He beat me down like a red headed step child, and used a strange blue portal to take my powers, and launch me head first (literaly) into Resident Evil 3. I was told that if I could survive, I would be givin my powers back, so I set out to survive a game that I could beat with my eyes closed.

However, Xing forgot to tell me that it was different.

Instead of slow, stupid zombies, I was put against fast, intelligent zombies that moved like Agant Smith. Also instead of STARS members, and Umbrella Mercenaries, I only recieved the help of my fellow originals who I used to hang out with. Nemesis killed Deathman and The System, and I only survived because of a jamacian drug cartel and Nemesis's own perverted antics constantly distracting him.

Cypher, Wesker, and myself escaped in a cable car, but crashed into a clock tower, where I was infected by the Nemesis Tyrant Virus. Cypher saved me, and Wesker ran off. Somehow Cypher managed to get the cure for me, and we found out that the city was to be destroyed (big secret, huh?). We ran to an old plant, and Xing offered to free Wesker if he killed me. Wesker refused, and Xing killed him.

I encountered Nemesis one more time, and managed to defeat him through somewhat unorthadox tactics. We escaped in a helicopter, and once I had my powers back I left Cypher and went for a rematch with Xing. I later found out that Cypher didn't know how to fly a chopper, and had died when it crashed.

My second battle with Xing ended the same way as the first, and after my somewhat musical asskicking, he agreed to let me live as long as I behaved.

Like that would ever happen. 


	4. Rescue Luis

After ringing the churchbell, Liquid suddenly found himself in the village chief's bedroom, reading a book.

"How the fuck did I get here"? He asked as he looked around.

He soon forgot about his confusion as he discovered that the book in his hand was a porno mag, so he started reading it, and pacing back and forth.

"I wonder if people's legs can really bend like that". He said to himself.

Suddenly his radio beeped, so he answered it.

"Hello, Wesker". He said. "What do you want"?

"We have a problem". He replied. "And since you are my bitch for the time being, it's up to you to solve it".

"Go fuck yourself".

"Temper, temper Liquid". "Now, about my problem".

"How about you solve your own problems"?

"What"?

"You have super human powers, man". "But you still rely on people to do your bidding". "That spells bullshit in my book".

"Liquid, if you don't shut up I will tell Xing that you are misbehaving".

Liquid started laughing.

"What"? Wesker asked.

"Did you just say that you would tell on me"? Liquid asked. "You can't even take care of me yourself, can you"?

"I've kicked your ass before".

"I beat you senceless in the mansion incident, and you ran away during code veronica".

"That's not fair, I had an important matter to attend to".

"And now you're making excuses"? "Honestly, Wesker, how can you be such a complete ass, and so half-ass at the same time"?

"SHUT THE FUCK UP"! "YOUR JOB IS TO SAVE LUIS SERA, NOW FUCKING DO IT"!

Wesker hung up, and Liquid laughed as he ran down the stairs.

He stopped when he heard noises comming from the bathroom, and suddenly the chainsaw man kicked open the door, letting out a horrible stench.

"Don't be too hasty entering that room"! Chainsaw man screamed. "For I had Taco Bell for lunch"!

"Oh, my god". Liquid said as he held his nose.

Suddenly chansaw man fired up his chainsaw, and ran at Liquid. But then he tripped on a chair, and fell on the blade. He screamed as he was sliced in half, and Liquid pointed at him while laughing.

He heard more villagers coming, so he ran out the door, and kept out of site until he was back in the village.

Someone else was coming, so he ducked into a house, and watched as Leon and Luis were taken back the way he came.

"God damn it". He whispered as they went back through the gate.

He waited a few minutes, and then followed, running back toward the village chief's house.

Once he was there, he listened at the door.

"I'm bored". A villager said. "What can I do for fun"?

"How about you jump in front of a truck"? The other one said.

Liquid used his grapple gun to get onto the roof, and gasped when he saw the village cheif trying to kill Leon. Normally Liquid would be ok with that, but he wanted to kill Leon personaly.

With great skill, Liquid grappled down to the window, and fired a few rounds into the chief's back. This made the chief really pissed off, and he ran at the window.

"Time to go". Liquid said as he squeezed the trigger.

Nothing happened.

"Uh, oh". He said as the chief came thru the window.

When Liquid woke up, he was laying on some kind of table. There were villagers standing around him, and they were all excited about something. That's when Liquid noticed that he was laying on a wheel of fourtion table, but instead of money, there were horrible deaths written all around it.

"Spin". A villager said.

They spun the wheel, and Liquid prayed that he would land on a less painful one as the wheel slowed down.

Castration, Drawn and Quartered, Thumb Screwes, the horrible fates made him want to cry, but then to his surprise it stopped on "Let Him Go".

"BULLSHIT"! A villager screamed.

He then kicked the wheel, and it moved to "Decapitation".

The villagers cheered, and Liquid screamed like a girl as the axe was brought up.

The villager brought the axe down, but he missed the target, hitting the side of the table with all his might. This caused Liquid to be catipulted sideways out the window, where he crashed onto the walkway.

"AHHHHHHH"! He screamed. "THAT FUCKING HURT, YOU STUPID FRENCH ASSHOLES"!

After a few minutes, he got up, and stumbled onto the lift. It took forever to get back to the top, but once he was there it started to rain, pissing him off even more.

He came to a fence, and the dor was locked, so he used the grapple gun. The grapple stuck into the top, but it wouldn't work when he pressed the trigger. He kept pressing and pressing, and when it finally did work, he was rocketed over the wall, past the giant, and finally came crashing down into a shack.

"Hey, I forgot something". Luis said as he left the house.

He saw Liquid trying to get out from under the wreckage, and went over to investigate.

"Hey, are you ok"? He asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine". Liquid said sarcasticaly. "Crashing through buildings makes it tickle". "Well, don't help me or nothing, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE"!

Luis helped him out, and Liquid sat against the wall.

"Are you in any danger right now"? Liquid asked.

"I don't think so". He replied.

"Good then you're rescued". "NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT"!

Luis walked away, and Liquid fell asleep against the wall as Leon and Ashley went toward the village gates. 


	5. Liquid's Report 2

Once my powers were fully restored, I decided to exact horrible swift revenge on the STARS for the hell that I had just gone through. I did not say that it was their fault, I meerly said that I was going to blame them.

Being in good spirits, I decided to toss the lot of them into the Terminator 2 universe, with Wesker replacing the T-1000, and the ever so dimwitted Chris Redfield in the role of the protector. The others filled their appropriate roles, and I recieved much entertaiment from Chris's incompitense.

Certain that Wesker would win, I placed Steve Burnside in the role of John Conner, and Jill in the role of Sarah (she was the only one cool enough). I filled the others in for cameo roles, but remained focused on the antics of Chris.

He did stupid things like forgeting to put his shotgun into the box of roses, and accidently shooting the back tire of his own motorcycle. It was expected that he would die like the bitch he was, but in the end it was Jill who defeated Wesker by tossing him into the molten steel.

She also pushed in Chris at the last second, so it was a partialy happy ending for me. Yes, I left that little game feeling like a new man, but I should have known that my fun wouldn't last.

6 months later I was once again brought before Xing, and he was even more furious then before at my carelessness with the lives of others. And after another brief struggle, I was tossed through the power stealing blue portal, and found myself in a jeep on the outskirts of Raccoon City, wearing a cop uniform.

It was there that I met up with the lovely Claire Redfield, and saved her from certain death at the hands of zombies. She generously repayed the favor by tazering me in the balls while I was driving, causing us to crash. A burning semi crashed into the car just after we got out, seperating us (thankfully).

After stealing a shotgun from a retarded gun shop owner and leaving him for the zombies, I headed for the police station where I found what was left of Brad Vickers. He was a zombie so I blew his head off, and went inside where I met Marvin. He insisted that he wsan't dead but I knew his tricks, so I stole his key, and tried to find a way out.

My second encounter with Claire in the STARS office left me with an eyeful of mace, and it turns out that Sherry Birkin was in fact possessed by the devil.

It seemed that I would never get out of the station, that is until a Tyrant (who insisted on calling me george), knocked me down a chute, and into the prison area. Thanks to Hannible Lector, I was able to get into the sewers, and on my way to the lab, I managed to kill Hunk, and narrowly escape from Birkin.

I encountered Sherry one more time, just long enough to kill her. I also tricked Claire into shooting in the head, but that didn't stop her somehow. There had to be a better solution.

I tricked the Tyrant into going after Claire, tounge tied some Lickers, and made it all the way to the escape Train. There I had a furious hand to hand battle with Tofu, and only survived because Claire shot him with the rocket launcher while aiming for me. Once the smoke cleared, I killed Claire, and took off in the train.

It seemed that I was ok, but then Tyrant and Birkin showed up to kill my sorry ass. They began fighting over who got to finish me off, so I used this distraction to set the train's self destruct, and run away.

The train exploded, and I escaped the city for a second time. My powers were soon restored again, and I felt the need for one thing...

Revenge... 


	6. Get The Sample

After trying to follow Leon and Ashley into the castle, and being stopped by the raised drawbridge, Liquid used his grapple gun to scale the wall.

It worked for once, and he gracefully landed in the middle of the hedge maze. But nothing can ever go right for Liquid, and this was proven as the mutant dogs surrounded him.

"Uh...". He said as he backed away. "Good doggies". "Sit...stay...PLAY DEAD"!

He unloaded his TMP into two of them, and then screamed like a girl as he ran aimlessly around the maze. He somehow found the way out, and dove into an open window, now finding himself in a bedroom.

His radio beeped.

"Hello". Liquid said.

"Snake, hurry"! Colenel Campbell shouted. "You've got to destroy metal gear"!

"Sorry, dude". "You got the wrong number".

He hung up, and not two seconds later, Wesker called.

"Ah, Liquid". He said. "And how are we doing so far"?

"Eat shit and die". Liquid replied.

"Liquid, can we just try to get along"?

"Can a man suck his own dick without surgery"? "Signal no by shooting yourself in the head 6 times".

Wesker started laughing.

"That trick may have worked on Claire". He said. "But I am just a little smarter".

"Yeah, that's a big acomplishment".

Wesker was getting furious.

"Listen to me, you little ass bag". He calmly said.

"Did you just call me an ass bag"? Liquid asked.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP"! "GET THE GOD DAMN SAMPLE, OR I'LL HAVE YOUR BALLS FOR LUNCH"!

"Did you just say that you want to eat my nuts"?

Wesker screamed as he hung up, and Liquid hid as Leon entered the room.

"I've got it". Leon said. "This place must be a bedroom". "God, I'm so fucking smart sometimes".

Liquid snuck up behind him, and pressed his gun into Leon's back.

"Hand's up pretty boy". He ordered.

"Who are you"? Leon asked as he put up his hands.

"I am your worst nightmare".

"No, waking up without my dick is my worst nightmare".

"Ok, maybe I'm not your worst nightmare, but I'm right up there".

"What do you want"?

"I want your keys, I want your wallet, and I want your donald duck watch, because I lost mine on a train".

Being a man of action, Leon spun around, knocking the gun out of Liquid's hand. But as Leon was knocking the gun away, Liquid brought up his knee into Leon's crotch.

"Nice try". Liquid said as Leon fell on his ass.

Leon jumped up and punched, but Liquid dodged to the side, and tripped him, making him eat the carpet.

"You move like a pregnant Yak". Liquid said as Leon got up. "How the fuck did a rookie cop like you get the job of tracking down the president's daughter, anyway"?

Leon was now in full rage as he got up, and he punched Liquid in the jaw as hard as he could, doing absolutly nothing.

"Did someone leave a window open"? Liquid asked. "I felt a draft".

He then kicked Leon in the stomach, and pushed him down.

"Honestly, Leon". Liquid said. "You must be the only person in this game besides Steve, that can't kick my ass". "No wonder you can't get any ass from Claire, Ada, or Ashley".

Leon pulled out his knife, and tossed it at Liquid, missing horribly.

"Good job". Liquid said as he picked it up. "Now let me show you how a real man handles one of these".

Liquid tossed the knife, and Leon shireked as he felt the blade do it's damage.

"MY HAIR"! He screamed. "MY BEAUTIFUL PERFECT PRETTY HAIR"!

Liquid through back his head and laughed histarically as Leon rithed in pain.

"You monster"! Leon yelled as he got up. "Do you have any idea how long it takes me to do my hair in the morning"?!

"About as long as it takes me to get Ada in the sack"? Liquid asked as he picked up his gun.

Leon realised that he couldn't win here, so he dove out the window.

"What a dork". Liquid said as he walked out of the room.

Outside, Leon was crying over his damaged hair, when the recently resurected merchant showed up.

"What happened to you, stranger"? He asked.

"It was a horrible man"! Leon yelled. "He said the most foul, and terrible things"! "He cut my hair, and he was...he did...I was...THEN I RAN AWAY"!!!!!!!

"You're a bitch, stranger". The merchant said as he walked away.

Inside the castle, Liquid got lost as shit for hours before hearing the sound of a girl crying for help.

"Ashley"? He asked as he followed it.

Sure enough, he came to a large room, where Ashley was trapped against the wall. So, being the kind and gentil hero that he was, Liquid walked over to the balcany, and aimed at her.

"Don't worry, Ashley"! Liquid called. "I'll save you HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!!!!!!!

"Liquid"? She asked.

"Oh, yes". "And now my mission doesn't depend on your survival".

She screamed as he unloaded his TMP at her, but fortionatly for Ashley, Liquid shoots about as well as Barry.

"GOD DAMN IT"! Liquid scremed.

He was going to try again, but had to hide as someone entered the room.

It was Leon, and a second later Luis came in.

"Leon". Luis said. "I got the stuff".

Suddenly Saddler burst into the room, holding a cheese grater. He ran at Luis, and the horrible events that transpired cannot be written down. Let's just say that Luis ended up looking like a badly abused blow up doll.

Saddler laughed as he ran out of the room, and Leon screamed as Liquid quietly walked away.

He turned on the radio.

"Luis is dead". He said. "And Saddler has the sample".

"You worthless bag of...worthlessness". Wesker said. "Head for the island, you ca get it there".

Leon was still screaming his rage, so Liquid tossed a brick, knocking him out. 


	7. Liquid's Report 3

I found myself blaming the STARS for my misfortion, and decided to try a new stratagy in my efforts to get rid of them. Yes, I would send them to another universe just like before, but this time I would be along for the ride just to make sure that everything went right, and to keep Xing from seeing what was happening.

I sent them into an old favorite of mine called The Running Man, in which Chris would once again play the hero (or the closest thing to a hero that we can expect from Chris), and Wesker would be the final villan that would kill him. Barry and Leon would be Chris's sidekicks, Jill was to be the leading lady, and as for me...

I was the host.

After being framed for the destruction of Raccoon City, and then escaping from a maximum security toxic waste dump, I ordered the capture of Chris and his friends. This did not happen because of guards or helpful citizens, no, in the end Chris was captured because of Jill.

Once in the game, Barry was killed by the Tyrant, and Leon met his end at the end of Chief Iorn's Volt Cannon. Somehow Chris survived, and because I was drunk I had Jill sent into the game as an added twist.

But instead of killing eachother, they worked togather, killing Nospheratu, Tyrant, Chief Iorns, and Alexia Ashford. I was about to send in Wesker, when they dissapeared. We made a convincing fake, and then later discovered that they had escaped with the help of Birkin's resistance movement.

They raided the station, and Wesker knocked me into the death cart, sending me to what he believed was a firey death.

I survived of course, but soon wished I hadn't as I was, for the third time, brought before Xing to answer for my crimes.

After another pathetic struggle, I was launched into Resident Evil 1, where I (accidently) caused the Bravo helicopter to crash. When I woke up, Alpha team found me, and we escaped into the mansion where they thought it was safe...yet...

Chris ran off like a bitch, and despite my warnings about Wesker, Barry dragged me off to the dining hall as Jill was kidnapped. Then after fighting zombie 2-pac, hundreds of squirles, rednecks, and Barry's horrible voice acting, I escaped the mansion.

The torment didn't stop there. Rebecca maced me and led the T-1000 right to me, Chris figured out how to travel through the storage boxes and abandoned me to the spiders, Barry continued to be Barry (a crime in itself), and I found out that before Wesker injected the virus into himself, he fought like a sissy.

I fought my way into the labratory, and once we captured Wesker, Barry's insane love of buttons caused the Tyrant to be released. I was saved because Tyrant was killed by the T-1000, and Rebecca set the self destruct, so we had to get out in a hurry.

I defeated the T-1000 in my own special way (dry sweep), and we were escaping in the helicopter, when Wesker appeared.

I jumped out of the chopper (still can't figure out what I was thinking), and defeated Wesker, allowing me to escape just before the mansion exploded.

My plan was to exact more revenge against the STARS, but it turns out that Xing had other plans for me... 


	8. Stop Leon's Assassination

The small boat shot across the water toward the island, carrying Liquid and the still unconsious Leon.

They hit a large wave, jolting Leon awake, and he began looking around.

"Ashley". He said. "Where's Ashley"?

"Probibly getting butt raped by Saddler". Liquid replied.

Hey, you're that guy that kicked my ass"! ... "Are we on a boat"?

"Yes, genious, we are on a boat". "And if you can spell your name right you win a million dollars".

"REALLY"!? "Ok, here I go...L...e...uh...um...L-e...um...

Liquid looked at him in disbelief.

"You can't even spell your own name"? He asked.

"It's hard". Leon replied.

"How did you get this job again"?

"Ok, mister I'm so smart, why don't you try to spell my name then"?

"Ok, here it goes". "Leon, d-u-m-b-a-s-s, Leon".

"That's how you spell it"? "Man, I was WAY off". "Where are we anyway"?

"In a boat".

"I KNEW IT"! "But now the question is where are we headed"?

Liquid didn't even bother to answer him as he looked at the island in the distance slowly getting bigger.

"So, how did you get out here"? Leon asked.

"Long story". Liquid replied.

"Well, I was hoping to see Ada out here".

"Why"? "So she can mess with your head again, and steal the sample"?

"No, but if you must know, I was wanting to see if we could work things out".

Normaly Liquid would have stopped talking right then and there, but he just had to know what Leon had planned. Whatever it was, it had to be good.

"How would you work things out"? He asked.

"Well". Leon said. "After she left me, I knew that it was my fault, so I sought out therapy".

"Dude, she fell off a bridge, while trying to kill you".

"I know, so it must have been something I did". "But you can't see a theripist on a government salery, so I got all the books instead".

"Books"? "This ought to be good".

Leon began taking books out of his pockets, and showed them to Liquid.

"See"? Leon asked. "I got 'Stop blaming yourself', 'It's not your fault', 'You really are a good person', and 'The 10 day stopping guide for the bedwetting adult', which I picked up by mistake, but I got them all"!

Liquid stopped the boat, and looked at him.

"Alright, Leon". He said. "What I'm about to do is for your own good, so please try to understand".

"Ok". He replied.

Liquid then elbowed him in the mouth, making him spit out a tooth.

"What the fuck is wrong with you"? Liquid asked. "Ada doesn't like you, and probibly will never like you". "She's been sleeping with Wesker for the past 5 years, so why don't you just give up, and go screw Claire"?

Leon started laughing.

"Claire"? He asked. "Oh, please, Liquid". "My standards will never be that low". "I mean she has that long red hair, thoes big perky breasts, and a perectly round ass". "What could I possibly want with her"? ..."Liquid"?

Liquid was drooling and stairing off into space.

"Some people just have no taste". Leon said.

Liquid suddenly snapped awake, and remembered that they had to get to the island. So he put it on full throttle, arriving at the island in less then 3 minutes.

"Let's split up". Liquid said as he stood up. "I'll take the high road, and you rush into the front door as a distract...I mean, to save Ashley".

"Got it". Leon said.

Liquid fired his grapple gun, but when he tried go go up, the grapple pulled out a loose piece of rock, smacking Leon in the face.

He screamed and fell over board as Liquid fired his grapple again.

"Sorry". He said as he flew up over the wall.

He landed on top of the radio tower, and walked inside.

"What progress have you made"? Krauser asked.

"Well". Liquid replied. "I got your mom to give me head last night, and I'm pretty sure that I'll have her on her back by the end of the week".

"Very funny". "I don't trust you, Liquid". "Nor does Wesker".

"I know". "But I've known Wesker for alot longer then you have, and I don't give a fuck".

"Liquid, there are two kinds of people in this world". "The ones that piss their pants when you kill them, and the kind that don't". "Which one are you"?

"I was just about to ask you the same thing". "I wonder which one of us will get our answer first"?

Krauser pulled out his knife, and Liquid kicked him in the nuts. Then he grabbed Krauser's beret, and tossed it out the window.

"MY HAT"! Krauser screamed as Liquid took the elevator back down.

Once he got out, his radio beeped.

"Good news, Liquid". Wesker said. "I decided to let Krauser kill Leon".

"Not yet". He replied. "I need him to distract Saddler for me".

Wesker hung up, and Liquid knew what he had to do. He had to save Leon.

Krauser was headed toward the steam furnace room, so Liquid quietly followed him until they reached Leon. Krauser then snuck up behind him, and the knife fight began.

Liquid was enjoying it until Leon was put on his back, and Krauser was trying to force the knife down.

"Hey, Krauser". Liquid said as he cocked his TMP.

"Oh, shit". Krauser said.

"You're really fucked now". Leon replied.

"No, you don't understand". "Liquid doesn't aim when he shoots".

They both ran for cover as the hail of bullets began hitting all over the platform. Leon ran to the side, and Krauser leaped onto a platform.

"You may be able to prolong your life". He said. "But you are gonna die...eventually". "And if I don't get you, then old age will"!

He ran away crying, and Liquid dropped down to where Leon was.

"I need to ask you something". Leon said.

"What"? Liquid replied.

"Are you the same Liquid that put us through the Running man a few years ago"?

"Yes, Leon". "But now my question is what are you gonna do about it"?

Leon suddenly pulled out his knife, and slashed at Liquid. In responce to this, Liquid knocked the knife out of his hand, punched him in the stomach, and spin kicked him off of the balcany.

"Stupid ass". Liquid said as he left the room. 


	9. Liquid's Report 4

Without warning, Xing grabbed me out of one punishment, and tossed me right into another. He claimed that it was because I was a repeat offender, and that he was convinced I would end up there anyway. I thought this was just a bit unfair, but I soon forgot about that as I found myself being chased by an entire army of umbrella soldiers.

After a valient struggle (atleast that's what I tell myself as I fall to sleep to the sound of my own screams) I was captured and sent to Rockfort Island, where I met an asshole named Rodrigo. He had the other guards beat and rob me, before locking me in a cell. Then once I escaped during an attack, I killed this man and fed him to the zombies, allowing me to escape.

Not much later I met an even more annoying man. Steve Burnside tried to kill me, but after I shot out his search light, he pissed himself, and surrendered.

Being a fair and decent man, I accepted his surrender, and beat the ever loving shit out of him because he looked like Leonardo Dicaprio. But I must be a magnent to psycos, because not 10 minutes later I met another one.

I didn't even try to understand the dress wearing Alfred Ashford as he screamed random one liners that made no sence whatsoever, but I did manage to drive him away with my gun, and that's when I came face to face with my first threatening enemy.

Albert Wesker.

He had been looking for Claire, but she was not there, ruining his plans for a night of wild sex with his worst enemy's little sister. So instead he decided to kill me, and he would have succeded if not for being called away on some important matter.

It was then that I knew I needed to leave this island in a hurry.

I rescued Steve from being burned alive (only after making him admit that he was Leo Dicaprio), and togather we escaped in a cargo plane. Then after a brief battle with the Tryant, Alfred said more nonsence over the radio as he forced our plane to the Antartic, where we crashed.

Thrown from the plane, I was mercifuly seperated from Steve, and not so mercifuly tossed into the waiting arms of Nospheratu. I quickly defeated this enemy (by a miracle of god), and managed to find Steve, but soon wished I hadn't as he was turned into the Incredible Hulk.

He wanted to kill me, and tried his best to do so. But it was him or me, so I lured him down a hallway, where he impailed himself on a spike wall.

Watching him die gave me a feeling of happiness I hadn't felt since the final scenes of the movie Titanic, and it looked like things were going my way...that is until I encountered Wesker again.

He was getting bitch slapped by Alexia, so he ran away, leaving me locked inside the room with her. She blamed me for killing her brother, and was going to make me her sex slave as punishment for my crimes. I was more then happy to submit to my fate, but then who should show up, but Chris.

He killed Alexia with a rocket launcher, and I used his battle with Wesker as a distraction as I ran toward the submarine. Unfortionatly someone took it before I could, leaving the three of us to swim for our lives as the antartic base was destroyed.

I was released from my punishment, but once again Xing had other plans for me.

He told me that Resident Evil 4 had just come out, and it was tiem for me to go in. This was bad because Resident Evil 4 had only come out on game cube, and I didn't have one.

It would be the first time that I would be going in blind.

The sun was shining as two french, or spanish, or whatever the hell they were, cops drove me toward the village where the president's daughter had been sighted. Once we arrived, I had to go alone because they were scared, and little did I know that I was stepping into a whole new type of Resident Evil.

I suppose it was my faut for offending the first villager that I met, but how was I supposed to know that he was burning shit, and not food? Then I got my biggest surprise when he attacked me.

I was not fighting a slow or stupid zombie. This guy was possessed by something evil, and it took effort to take him down. Then as if on cue, the other villagers killed the cops (not exactly heart breaking), and I was forced to run like a bitch as they chased me toward the village.

It was clear that this time I had to rely on my wits, and natural skills to survive, and we all know what that means.

My survival chances were slightly better than a snowball's chance in hell... 


	10. Retrieve The Sample

After sutmbling through what remained of the tower that Krauser blew up, Liquid entered the recently unlocked door, and saw a helicopter laying waste to a guard camp.

His radio beeped, and once again Wesker's smiling face appeared.

"What the hell is going on out there"? He asked. "It sounds like a scene from Rambo".

"Some idiot is shooting into the crowd". Liquid replied. "Oh, and by the way, your bitch Krauser is dead". "Dumbass blew himself up in the tower".

"I figured as much". "Oh, well he was just a pawn in my chess game".

"So, what am I"?

"You, Liquid are the missing part of the knight".

"The rider"?

"No, the horses ass"! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"! "I got you so good with that one"!

"Yeah, that was pretty funny". "It's almost as funny as that turtleneck sweater you're wearing".

Wesker was silent.

"Just get the sample". He said as he hung up.

By this time the helicopter was finished with the village, so it was pretty easy for Liquid to walk through the gate.

Some villagers were standing around, looking at a spot at the bottom of the cilff where black smoke was rising. So Liquid very suttily pushed them over the edge, and looked at the helicopter wreckage.

"Sucks to be that guy". Liquid said as he walked through another door.

There was a sound up ahead, so Liquid jumped down, kicked open the door, and saw Leon clutching his chest as if he was in horrible pain.

Liquid was about to say something profoundly insulting, when Leon screamed and let out the nastiest, wettest, loudest, direaha fart that Liquid had ever seen. It made his choke and gag as he stumbled toward a window, and it looked like he wouldn't survive this one.

He fell to his hands and knees from the horrible odor, and used his TMP to shoot the glass, letting the wonderful fresh air into his lungs.

"Oh, man". Leon said as he got up. "I'll never eat the chille dog special before a mission again". "But, god are they good".

Liquid pulled out his knife, and tossed it into Leon's leg. Then he kicked him in the face, knocking him out again.

"I should kill you". Liquid said as he recovered his knife. "But I might need you as a decoy later".

He entered another door, and walked down countless hallways before comming to the conclusion that he was in fact lost. That being said, he decided to climb up onto a tower to get his barings.

Liquid hummed the theme from the super mario brothers super show as he climbed the ladder, and finished just as he reached the top. He was going to see where he was, when Krauser appeared in front of him.

"Are you still with us"? Liquid asked.

"I'm gonna kill you". He replied. "I'm gonna stick my entire arm up your ass".

"That's gross, dude". "But guess what, I already told Wesker that you died". "I am alot of things, but a lier is not one of them".

"Bullshit, half of everything you say is a lie".

"Yeah, I know". "But it's more dramatic this way".

Thunder crashed, and it began to rain, making it even more dramatic for them.

"Good". Krauser said. "Now I can find out what kind of man you are". "And Liquid...I hope you are a pisser".

He extended his arm all the way, and charged at Liquid full speed. Liquid responded to this by ducking down, and back body dropping Krauser over the railing.

He screamed as he fell, stopping only after hitting the ground head first. Liquid quickly grabbed his scope, and zoomed in on Krauser's body.

"I KNEW IT"! Liquid screamed as he watched the puddle form around Krauser's pants. "YOU FUCKING PISSER"!

Now in a good mood, Liquid aimed his grapple gun in a random direction, and allowed it to take him wherever it wanted. Turns out the grapple gun wanted to send him right through a building's skylight, making him shatte the glass before crashing onto a balcany.

"What the fuck"? Saddler asked as Liquid tried to get up.

"I'm ok". Liquid replied.

Leon took this time to get Ashley out of the machine, and dragged her toward the exit. Liquid didn't want to risk him getting away, so he did his best to aim his TMP before they got out. He shot some barrels, and they exploded, but Leon had already gotten out, and the explosion caught Saddler instead.

"Damn it". Liquid said as he sat against the railing. "Oh, well, atleast I got Saddler".

Suddenly Saddler rose up from under the barrels, and Liquid reloaded his guns as fast as he could.

"Oh, Liquid". Saddler said as Liquid finished getting ready. "I'm coming for you, Liquid".

He leaped onto the balcany, and Liquid unloaded his TMP into him as he walked slowly forward.

"We are now going to play a new game". Saddler said as Liquid backed away. "It's called, let's see how much pain Liquid can take before he begs for the sweet release of death".

"Does that come with a demo disk"? Liquid asked.

"No, but the full version is free of charge to you".

A tentacle suddenly shot out of Saddler's arm, knocking Liquid across the room. He crashed into a pile of office supplies, and rolled across the room as Saddler gracefully leaped down to the first floor.

"I have decided that I will not kill you". He said. "Instead, I will make you expierience the forbidden bone dance of the Los Illuminados".

"The forbidden WHAT"?! Liquid asked.

On hearing this, Liquid frantically searched for something that might be effective against Saddler, but the only thing he found was a fire extinguisher.

Saddler dashed at him, and Liquid sprayed the contents of the canister, stopping Saddler in his tracks.

"Holy shit". Liquid said. "I can't believe that worked".

He looked at the canister, and it said HNO2.

"Liquid Nitrogen"? He asked. "Damn, they must have some crazy fires out here".

He casually pushed the frozen Saddler over, shattering him into a thousend pieces, and exposign the los plagos sample.

"Score". Liquid said as he picked it up. "Now how do I get out of here"?

As he was looking for the exit, he didn't notice Saddler reforming, and also didn't expect to be knocked out from behind. 


	11. Liquid's Report 5

Things did not go well for me once I entered the village. Once they saw me, the villagers attacked (that hasn't happened to me since I was thrown out of England), and I met a man who I swear to god has to be Antonio Banderas. Then the village chief kicked my ass, and Luis deserted me in my monent of need.

Once I made it back to the village, Xing contacted me and told me how I had to find a key to the temple, and how I would have to cross a lake and mess with some kind of giants and fish monsters to get inside the church where Ashley was being held captive. I was already pissed because some villager asshole had stolen my jacket, so I decided that I didn't want to do that shit.

I leaped over the fence, and kicked open the church door. Then after an unfortionate incident with a chandilere, I managed to rescue Ashley, and run right into Saddler. He rambled on about something or other, but I wasn't listening because I was trying to figure out what the hell he was holding in his hand. I mean it looked like chewed bubblegum.

He suddenly ordered his men to shoot us, so I used plan B (B stands for bitch, as in run like one) and we didn't stop running until we reached another house, where Luis was waiting for us. Then more villagers attacked, and I offered to use Ashley as a decoy while we escaped, but Luis had other plans.

Apparently he had a drug that would knock her out for a few, I mean, uh, cure her of the plagos, yeah, that's it, it would cure her, so we fought off the villagers, and I agreed to protect her while he got the drugs. What I didn't count on was that Ashley was a horrible bitch, but on the lighter side, I discovered that if she died, I could continue right before it happened.

I must have spent an extra two months just killing her over and over again. Then eventually we started toward our escape route, and after getting my ass kicked by a giant named Fud, as well as my rather disturbing encounters with the village chief, we escaped from the village, and found ourselves in front of a castle.

Ashley tricked me and Luis into fighting, so by the time we made it into the castle and met Harpo the angry midget, I was in no mood to search the entire castle for some bullshit key. Luckily for me, they had forgotten to hide the key, so we advanced quickly. That was when I fell into the sewers, and Harpo sent Thing 1 to kill me.

I tricked himself into covering himself with liquid nitrogen, and shattered him, allowing me to make it into some kind of hedge maze. It was there that I encountered the hottest piece of ass in the Resident Evil universe.

Ada Wong.

Using a trick she learned from Rebecca, Ada held me in submition, and humiliated me for awhile before tossing me out the window. I would have died if Luis had not broken my fall, and out of revenge I chased Harpo into a tower where he became a nasty plant thing and wanted to eat me up.

There was no time for bullshit, so I ripped him out of the plant, and shot him, only to learn that Ashley had been taken to an island by Saddler. I tried to follow, but Ada captured me, and I ended up on the island anyway. There I had my ass kicked by a coke machine, and caused the long overdue death of Raiden from MGS2, before (accidently) finding my way into Ashley's cell.

We escaped, and it turns out that although Ashley is worthless in a fight, she can handle heavy machienery like a pro. Go figure, huh? But I should have known better then to let a woman drive, because she crashed us, and got taken away by Saddler just before Wesker came out of left field to kick my ass.

After escaping Wesker by the narrowest margin, I got to vent my rage on Krauser, mercilesly kicking his ass until he escaped. Once my fun with him was over, I followed Ashley's signal to a large cavern, where I met Pennywise the Clown. It was tough, but I managed to defeat him, only to come out of the tunnles for round 2 with Krauser.

He did some crazy shit with his arm, but I managed to steel his keys, and set his watch ahead, not only allowing me to escape, but causing him to die horribly in the explosion. Thinking I could rest for a second, I was suddenly accosted by the helicopter pilot from apocolypse now, claiming that I had stolen his board.

Finally making it into the lab where Ashley was, I freed her, only to have her and Ada beat me into the ground until Saddler showed up. I was knocked out, and when I woke up Ashley had dragged me outside. She held me at gun point, and told me that I had to save Ada.

After she fired a warning shot into my foot, I knew she meant business. But when I reached the top I discovered that I had been tricked. Ada and Ashley were escaping in the jet ski, leaving me to face Saddler. I know for a fact that I would have died if not for the helicopter showing up at the last second, and blowing Saddler to hell.

But when the helicopter landed, out stepped Albert Wesker.

I did what any good hero would do, and hid until he was out of sight. Then I shot him with a missile, and stole his chopper, escaping just as the island exploded.

Instead of putting me into another punishment, I was allowed to go back to my trailer, only to find that it was gone. Soemone had built a house on it, so I killed them, and moved back in. Then as I fell asleep on my couch, I thought it was over.

I was once again wrong... 


	12. The Final Battle

Everything was blurry as Liquid woke opened his eyes. It appeared that he was outside now, but something was wrong.

"Damn it". He said as he realised that he was tied up, and hanging from a crane. "Not again".

"Yes, again". Saddler replied. "And again and again and again".

"What the hell is your problem"? "I mean, what kind of sick and twisted upbringing do you have to have in order to end up like you"?

"As I said to the american agent, I am sick of america policing the world, and once I have the girl under my control, she will take over the president, and it will spread from there".

Liquid just rolled his eyes.

"Alright". Liquid said. "I may only have dual citizenship in america, but there are a few things that you should know". "Nothing important, just a few minor details that might hinder your plan for world conquest".

"Like what"? Saddler asked.

"Like the fact that the president is too busy screwing his secretarys to spend any time with his daughter". "Or the fact that if america doesn't like what the president is doing, they get rid of him and find another one".

"So, you think I should kidnap one of the president's secretarys"?

"That's not the point". "The point is that america can't be controled through one brainwashed leader". "Hell, the whole country is about 3 meals away from an all out civil riot".

"How do you know all of this"?

"I accidently found it while searching for the secret recipe for Coca Cola".

Saddler was about to ask more, but they were interupted by the elevator arriving.

"HA HAAAAAAAA"! Leon screamed as he jumped out, striking his greatest hero pose ever. "Give it up, Saddler"! "Because rain or shine, you're going down"!!!!!!!

"Shut up, pretty boy". Liquid said.

"Oh, come on, Liquid". He replied. "I worked really hard on that".

"How about you work really hard on getting me down from here, and maybe I won't kill you".

Leon pulled out his knife.

"NO, WAIT"! Liquid screamed as he tossed it at the ropes.

The knife sank into Liquid's leg, making him scream.

"Sorry"! Leon said as he took out another one.

He tossed it, and this one went into Liquid's shoulder.

"Getting closer"! Leon said as he took out a third knife. "Have you down in a sec"!

"Leon, stop"! Liquid yelled. "How many of thoes do you have, anyway"?

"Uh, how many do we need"?

"Enough of this"! Saddler ordered as he held out his hand. "Bow to me, Leon".

Liquid used this time to try to escape by bringing up his leg, and using the half exposed knife to cut the rope. It was then that he realised he was 30 feet in the air.

He landed on Saddler, and rolled away.

"I hate both of you". Saddler said as he got up. "And now you are going to die".

He did the crazy eye in the mouth thing, and turned into a giant beast. He was about to attack, when Liquid took the knife out of his leg, and tossed it right into Saddler's eye. This gave him enough time to take the other one out of his shoulder, and stumble toward the elevator.

Unfortionaly, the elevator was shut down for some reason, leaving Liquid and Leon trapped.

"We can take him if we work togather". Leon said. "I'll distract him while you go for the eye, alright Liquid"? ... "Liquid"?

He looked up, and saw that Liquid had used his grapplegun to get to the upper walkways.

"You got him, Leon"! Liquid called. "It's all you, man"!

"Bullshit"! Leon screamed. "Get back here"!

"Nah, you're good"! "I would just get in the way"! "And now you don't have to hold back because you're worried about someone"!

"By, God, you're right"!

Leon walked toward Saddler, and struck his hero pose, only to be swatted across the whole site.

"I can't believe he bought that bulshit". Liquid said to himself as Leon continued to get his ass kicked. "I was telling the truth when I said that I would get in the way, but what Leon didn't know was that I would only be getting in the way of his ass kicking".

Then Liquid saw something that would mean the end of all his problems.

It was a special rocket launcher.

It was also on the other side of the site.

"Let's just see how much cord this little grapplegun has". He said as he aimed it.

He fired, and it shot across the site, only to fall about 6 feet short. So he retracted it, but as it was coming back, the grapple got caught on a piece of metal, tightening the line, and pulling Liquid back onto the battleground.

"I knew you wouldn't leave me". Leon said as Liquid slammed into a pile of dirt.

Liquid rolled over, and shot his grapplegun at Leon's head, but it missed, hitting a large switch. This caused a crane to swing it's load of metal right into Saddler.

"Damn it". Liquid said.

"Good shot". Leon said. "I got him from here".

Leon attacked, and Liquid used this time to pull himself onto the platform where the weapon was resting. As he picked it up, he wondered who would leave such a thing laying around, but forgot this question as he aimed.

"Two birds with one stone". Liquid said as he aimed the rocket right between Leon and Saddler. "Game over, Leon".

Saddler fell against the platform, causing Liquid to drop the weapon right next to Leon.

"Hey, thanks"! Leon yelled as he picked it up.

"NOOOOOO"! Liquid screamed as Leon fired, destroying Saddler.

Saddler melted away, and Leon knelt down to pick up the sample.

"Alright, pretty boy". Liquid said as he pressed his gun into Leon's head. "Give me the god damn sample, and I might reconsider my decision to blow your god damn head off".

"Fine". Leon said as he handed over the sample. "You do know what this is, right"?

"A sample of something capible of inslaving the minds and bodies of anyone it comes into contact with"? Liquid asked as he put it in his pocket. "I may have heard something about it".

Leon stood up, and put his gun away.

"Liquid"? He asked. "Why do you live your life like this"?

"Huh"? He replied.

"Walk with me for a second". "I want to show you something".

He led Liquid over to the edge of the building, and pointed to the horizon.

"Do you see it"? Leon asked.

"What"? He asked.

"All of that will be gone if people like Saddler are allowed to roam free, or if Wesker remakes Umbrella". "Someone with your talents should be fighting with us, not against us".

Liquid had his suspicions about where this was going, so he walked away as Leon rambled. A few minutes later Leon finished his speech, and looked at Liquid for a reply. But Liquid said nothing as he staired across the horizon.

Leon waited for him to move, or say something, but apparently Liquid was so transfixed by the speech, that he just kept staring. So Leon chose to strike, pushing Liquid off the edge, and laughing like a madman as his enemy hit the ground.

"I did it"! Leon screamed as he struck his hero pose. "I killed Liquid"! "Once again I have succeeded where Chris, Jill, Wesker, Claire, and Rebecca have failed"! "All hail Leon, the supreme god of everything"!

He was going to continue, but stopped as he saw Ashley trying to get his attention. She was yelling something, but it was hard for him to hear.

"Leon"! She yelled. "Leon"!

She was saying something else, but he could only hear part of it.

"Who did it"? He said as he tried to read her lips. "Want it"? "It's a car door about of the kid"? "Key's still a pear"? "ASHLEY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT"?!

Down on the ground, Ashley was desperatly trying to get his attention.

"NO, LEON"! She screamed. "I SAID: YOU IDIOT, WATCH OUT, IT'S A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT OF LIQUID"! "HE'S STILL UP THERE"!

Leon still couldn't understand, so it took him completely by surprise when Liquid kicked him in the side, and knocked him over the edge. He watched Leon fall right on Ashley, and things were looking up as he put the sample in a protective case.

A few minutes later the chopper arrived, and when he got on, a big screen on Wesker came on as it took off.

"Good job, Liquid". Wesker said. "I see that you got the sample, and killed Leon as well".

"Whatever". Liquid replied. "Just take me home".

"For awhile I didn't think you could do it". "Your victory just made me lose a buck...to myself".

"I really don't care".

"Now that we have the sample, there are going to be a number of changes to this world". "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

"You're a freak, you know that"?

"Yes, actually".

Wesker continued laughing and the island exploded as the chopper flew off into the distance. 


	13. Liquid's Final Report

To celebrate my constant victories over Xing's punishments, I invited my newest friends (I needed new ones because the old ones were dead) over to get drunk with me. We were laughing and playing drinking games, and it seemed like things were finally good.

That's when the doorbell rang, and Xing kicked open the door. I was about to lead an attack against him, but my friends decided to make a tactical retreat (while I wasn't looking, thoes bastards), and Xing quickly defeated me. Then he laughed as my house became a mansion, leaving me to deal with the resident evil movie.

After throwing up all over myself, spending 3 hours at the mercy of an evil shower system, and being sexually assulted by two cleaning droids, I began to wonder if this was something other then just an ordinary house. But before I could find out, I was captured by a group of less then well trained mercenaries called The Canaries (Convict-Army-of-Nearly-All-Retarded-Imbred-Evil-Sheepshaggers), who wanted me to lead them into the hive.

We disabled the hive's security systems (a locked door, and an old nomad probe), but soon found ourselves caught in another trap, involving laser beams. Being the heroic and manly being that I am, I dove into the computer's chamber just before the door shut, leaving my team to rot in hell.

It was there that I met the hive's computer, the future seeing Cassandra. She told us that we were all going to die, but the surviving canaries killed her before she could tell me how. And if that was not bad enough, once the computer was down all the zombies escaped, and so did a giant monster known only as the Nameless Beast.

The Canaries abandoned me, only to be killed one by one by the nameless beast, and as for me, I was trapped in large room with about 100 zombies. There appeared to be no way out, and the zombies wanted my blood.

Thinking quickly, I accessed the hive's last functioning system (the sound system), and brought up Michael Jackson's Thriller over the intercom. I started singing and dancing with it, and somehow my plan worked. All the zombies were dancing with me, allowing me to escape while they were turned around.

I saved the only surviving Canaries member from the nameless beast, and we escaped the hive on the train just before it locked down. Unfortionatly the nameless beast also escaped, killed my buddy, and would have killed me if Chuck Norris hadn't come out of nowhere, and killed him.

I was then taken away, and I woke up a few months later in the hospital. I got out, only to find that the dead were walking the earth. I also had a meeting with the demons from Hellraiser, but escaped due to me quick thinking (kicking pinhead in the nuts).

Umbrella had recently evacuated their scientists, but since Ray Charles was driving one of the suv's, a crash happened, leaving the head scientist's daughter (who was an incredible bitch) behind. As for me, I broke into Yoda's weapon shop, and took his weapons before grinding him up into a yoda smoothie.

While I was making my snack, Nemesis had been activated. Except for an unfortionat incident with Mr. T, he had a flawless record of death and destruction as he searched for me, and surviving stars members.

I stole yoda's motorcycle, and decided to get out of town. I accidently took a wrong turn, and my breakes went out, causing me to crash thru a chruch stain-glass window, and right into a nest of lickers.

After killing them with a tank of orange julious from dairy queen, I met up with Jill, and her two friends. Not wanting anything to do with them, I left, and they followed my into a graveyard. We only escaped the zombies because I cut Tom Cruise's legs off, and we ran until I got tired.

That's when we found Nemesis.

He killed Jill's cop friend, and that horrible bitch pushed my over the edge, down to where Nemesis was. He chased me into a building, and knocked me down a laundry chute. He got blown away by my overloaded lightsabre (don't ask), and I escaped only to be put on trial by the Hellraiser Demons.

And Steve Burnside.

The trial was goofy as shit, and I managed to solve the box, sending the demons back to hell. I then killed him, and jumped out the window, knocking myself out on a dumpster. But when I woke up, my long time hero Kurt Russle gave me a new lightsabre, and also tried to kill me with a box of starving weasles.

For this I had to kill him, and was about to track down Jill, whan an umbrella scientist offered me an escape in exchange for finding his daughter. I agreed, and went to the school, only to find that Jill's cute reporter friend had died, and she had been replaced by some latino pool boy named Carlos.

We finally caught Angela after she tried to kill us a few times, and made our way to where a helicopter was waiting, along with a dozen guards. I won't go into details about what happened next, but let's just say that I leanred that I'm no mila jonovich, and we ended up captured again.

In order to save thoes worthless assholes, uh, I mean, to save my friends, yeah, that's it, I had to fight Nemesis. I was successful because of my lightsabre, and it was revealed that Nemesis was in fact my old buddy from before I dropped out of college. But he still didn't have the 5 bucks he owed me, so I killed him anyway.

Then Chuck Norris came out, and beat my ass for a few minutes, before I was able to convince him that he was really a good guy... and also shove his hocky haired ass off the building. This allowed us to escape in the helicopter, but the shockwave from the missile that destroyed Raccoon City made us crash, and I was incopasitated.

Angela then took my wallet, and my so called friends left me for Umbrella. I was captured, and when I woke up, I was in an underground lab of some kind.

The scientist had managed to restore some of my powers in the hope of using me as a weapon for Umbrella, but I had other plans, so I made them sing and dance until they all died. I once again escaped, but as usual Xing had other plans for me.

And that leads us to the events of today... 


End file.
